A Moron’s Argument Concerning a 2010 Auburn Tigers Team Without Cam Newton

Posted by Nathan Deal on February-15-2011 Add Comments

“Let’s face it, Barners—Without Cam Newton, Auburn would have gone 0-32, or however many games it is those cheaters played.


Sure, Cam Newton did play and Auburn won the national title and all that other “stuff” you Barners complain about.

But FOX’s hero, and mine, Thayer Evans, apparently went back in time and discovered what Auburn would have been without Cam Newton.

The final score of the Iron Bowl was: Almighty Alabama 79,842, Aubarn -75.

I’m not quite sure what number 79,842 is, but I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere between 17 and 26.

Thayer says that without Cam Newton, Nick Fairley wasn’t even a starter.


By the way, I came up with a very creative name for Cam Newton. “$Cam Newton!”

Hahahahahaha! I be a genius.

OK, I lied. It was on the front cover of the New York Times on Jan. 11, 2011, but…. whatever.

Anyways, Thayer says Auburn even lost to UL-Monroe! How pathetic is that? How can you let your team lose to UL-Monroe??  They NEVER beat any good teams, let alone on the road.  Good thing Alabama has never had a loss that bad.

Anyways, without Cam Newton, Aubarn would have slipped into… whatever that place is that means a deep cave and starts with an “O.”

Nobody’s ever even heard of Auburn before and they never will again because Cam isn’t walking back through that door.  Everybody knows Gene Chizik paid for Cam (except the NCAA, Auburn, Gene Chizik, Cam Newton, Barners, other fans with reasonable deductioning, whatever that means, etc.).

I mean, he was obviously paid.  Did you SEE that nice motorcycle Cam was riding around Auburn’s campus?  Sure, it seems like every Alabama player has a Mercedes Benz from that show before the season that only Alabama fans watched, but did you SEE that scooter?

I’ll show you a picture of it. In fact, on Google, I have “Cam Newton scooter picture” saved in the toolbar so I don’t have to spend 10 minutes trying to type it!

I had to scroll down for it, though, because it was below “Cam Newton”, “Cam Newton video”, “Cam Newton Cecil Newton”, “Cam Newton cheat”, “Cam Newton $180,000”, “Cam Newton crying”, “Cam Newton test”, “Cam Newton smoke cigar”, “Cam Newton beer”, “Cam Newton thug”, “Cam Newton evil” and “Cam Newton nak…..” Uh…. I mean….. “Cam Newton.”

Without Cam Newton, Auburn’s football team would have been even worse than the basketball team!

Without those 51 touchdowns, Aubarn would have surely lost to every team by 49.  Trust me, 49 is a loss.  It’s even more than 56!

There would be NO WAY Aubarn wins in Tuscaloosa. Nick Saban is the best coach in the country.  Those 101,000 people that don’t include a single Auburn fan would definitely score a lot of points for Alabama.

They wouldn’t have beaten UL-Monroe, UT-Chattanooga, Georgia, Arkansas State, Mississippi State or any of those other teams they played.

At best, Aubarn is an 0-14 team without Cam Newton.  He was the entire team.

You really think that All-Americans like Lee Ziemba and Nick Fairley are that good without Cam Newton?  The Barn averaged 296 rushing yards per game. You think Auburn comes close to 30 rushing yards per game without Newton’s 100 rushing yards per game? Auburn had no back-up QBs.  Receivers like Darvin Adams, who will NEVER get National Football league consideration (according to Thayer) wouldn’t catch a single pass. Without Newton, those players would have no skill at all.  It’s all a mirage.

Barners think they would still have been good without Cam.

Let me school you in this—The Black Eyed Peas’ halftime show at Super Bowl XLV?  That was good.  Carolina Panthers?  They were good.  Cleveland Cavaliers from late December to early February?  They were very good.

Auburn without Cam Newton…. would not have been good.

Don’t worry.  We all know the Federal Bureau of Investigation is specifically investigating Auburn University and nothing else whatsoever anywhere in the country.  Their TOP concern over stopping killers and rapists is vacating the Barn’s wins in 2010.

Don’t you mention Mississippi State in this.  They’re innocent, and they wouldn’t harm a fly.  They’re completely truthful, just like their boosters.

To quote legendary playwright William Shakespeare, “I hate Aubarn and Cam Newton is guilty without proof.”

OK, so I made that up, but I like making things up.  Thayer likes it, too.

Cecil had to have gotten money. How else could he afford all those cool……….. cars…….. he got.

OK, I made that up too.  I’m not sorry.

Bottom line is, Aubarn would have been bad without Cam Newton.  They will be bad and continue to have no integrity.  Excuse me while I go out smashing people’s mailboxes, take their mail and judge them personally off of their power bills.

Sincerely, an uneducated college football fan


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