The Heisman is the Academy Award of college football. Remind yourself of that fact as you watch this Saturday’s announcement.

Like the Academy’s honors, I don’t really care about the collective opinion of a body politic comprising sociopathic cokeheads, preening Scientologists—and now I’m referring to sportswriters—but I still watch the results with some interest, so I’ll know how many times I’ll have to bite my lip in work/social situations when someone feels sufficiently validated by the Academy or the Downtown Athletic Club to tell you that Crash is a profound piece of art or that Chris Weinke was a badass.

The history of the Heisman is rich in unmitigated bullshit, media manipulation, and grand...

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